The first was yesterday, as noted. The second today, and was precipitated by a minor existential crisis on the trail.

Everyone needs something to do in their life. Something to define it. I think it’s one of the formative moments of transitioning to adulthood, when you begin to discover those things in which you choose to invest purpose. Mine was climbing when I was twelve.

It has seemed to me very often over the last decade that many do not have such a thing, or if they do it is lame (if you will). “Lives of quiet desperation” as Thoreau said.

As I’ve matured I’ve managed to have several such purposes: one is my job, one is being married, and the big one, antidating all the others that have been and will be, in the outdoors. Climbing, backpacking, running, canyoneering, cycling. The focus has shifted, but only within a narrow frame.

The difficulty with such an arrangement is that, when things with cycling (to be current) do not go well other things do not go well. I do not go well. The opposite is also true. I doubt very many people are good at compartmentalizing their lives in this way, and I am particularly bad.

At present the KTR is weighed down with a great many of my expectations for myself, and consequently with much of my self-worth and sense of purpose. This can give rise to several problems:

-Doubts about equipment choice (tires and gearing) can bleed over and assume the role of systematic self-doubt, in a perniciously general sense.

-Bad days cycling can produce bad days at ________, in a more concrete iteration of the above.

-Bad days ____ (a small host of mundane house and home things being out of order) can produce the illusion of both of the above, which soon ceases to be an illusion.

-Myriad consequences of all of the above play ping-pong within my psyche, allowing all hell to break loose in a very quiet, banal way.

Or to be more concrete and stop intellectualizing (one of my defenses), I start pondering the efficacy of my gear and tire choices, feel slower than I actual am, soon become if not slower at least more tired than is warranted, think about cutting the training ride short, feel like a failure for the thought existing at all, allow doubt to overwhelm and tire further, and in frustration stop and eat a Payday.

Thank goodness for Paydays.

There are two things at work here. The first being mundane fear of failure, built on robust expectations for my performance in the race. The second is worry about home life, built on small problems left to sit for a while. (Ex: M is messy, which I don’t like. So instead of fixing my own messes for myself I participate in the mess making so feel less alone, and can bitch and whine when I want to. Bad all around.)

So, as I ate my candy bar, I decided to put the bike back as was, the low gearing and fat tires I’ve been riding all year. Predictability, and not playing the if I had _____ (faster tires, gears, suspension, a faustian pact with Iblis) game, which is no fun. I’m not that good at cycling, and I want to keep the game on my terms because that reminds me that the game is about me, and not about numbers or winning. I have vaguely informed expectations for my KTR finish time, but if it’s mad windy all night, or if it snows, I’ll measure success by effort and judgment anyway. And that’s that. I don’t know how racer types like Pua, who’s whole life is tied up in the game, stay so sane and normal(ish).

I also decided to come home early, fix the bike, and clean some stuff. So know I’m going to stop writing and go do that.

Still road for five hard hours, after an active day before. My KTR fitness is what it is now, so now I need to get the mind fully on board and all systems will be a go.

Personal growth can be a pain in the ass.

Still really looking forward to the race, why? Scenery, challenge, and “the crew.” In reverse order of importance. I’ll be spinning madly on Ed’s wheel through the night. Keep the Ignitor back there my friend, it’s particularly easy to recognize in the sand.

Also, M’s been recruited to bring pizza to the finish, starting around 4. We’ll be taking orders and deposits beginning at 2250 on the 18th.