And perhaps the present.
Transitions in life are tough. I finished all my papers on Friday, did my penultimate practicum day on Sunday, got a summer job yesterday, and finished up my last teaching assistant duties last night and this morning. I have one more research project I’ve been ignoring lately, that doesn’t really have much of a deadline on it. (I’ll be billing ahead and finishing it by the end of the month.) And through it all I’ve been having a hell of a time relaxing and sorting things out.
I couldn’t sleep until 300 Sunday night, napped away a bunch of Monday, and while I’ve been harboring the desire to run out and do big adventures, my energy level has been mostly interested in doing what I’ve done this morning: drinking coffee, eating a bagel, and reading the news and the blogs while I listen to NPR.
A big part of it is that I’m not totally sure how I’ll fill the summer. My knees aren’t helping that doubt. The most important reason is that I know I’ll be missing school. Today is Wednesday, which has always been a nice day, because the next day is Thursday, and Thursday was class. The day I’d get to see all my wonderful friends and professors, and be immersed in a world I love. I’m ready to take a break from it (the mental exhaustion is still substantial) but I’ll miss it like crazy.
The last few weeks have also given occasion to contemplate all sorts of questions about the future and the use of my energies. I screwed up this winter by neglecting maintenance for my leg issues, and am paying the price now by not being able to sustain any kind of serious training load. At this point, even the KMC 200 is very much in question. My IT bands, especially the left, were sore after Saturday’s ride, and it took a lot of foam roller work to get it to the point where it didn’t bug me when I tried to sleep.
The larger issue is embodied by some of the links I put up yesterday. Jared Campbell and especially Buzz Burrell’s adventures are what really gets me psyched up. Maybe I should be doing more of that this summer, but first things first. It’s very cool to see how many amazing things people are doing out in the world.
There’s also the question of energy, and where it comes from. I’ve had the time to train this year, but not the inclination. Given how I like to do school, time outside serves a primary function of mental health maintenance. I like to just get out and enjoy the day, not do intervals and suffer. That’s not going to change this fall (I’ve got a very tough course load on tap), and likely not much next spring either. Is energy and motivation a finite thing, with only so much to be applied to varied places? It certainly ebbs and flows throughout the year. A continued learning process. I’ll just have to figure things out as I go, and manage expectations as they go.
I do intend to finally do the Canyonlands bike-raft loop this fall, and would really like to do the Alaska Mountain Wilderness Classic next summer (to celebrate graduation). And I still want to ride a bunch this summer, but for the next week I’m worried about other, more immediate things.
They’re nice things to worry about.
Bedrock & Paradox 
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